Fractured Reality: Family Ordeals of Gaslighting and Stonewalling
“Narcissistic gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse.
It involves intentionally manipulating the truth to make someone doubt themselves. This often happens in abusive relationships. It is a covert type of emotional abuse in which the abuser or the bully misleads the targeted person, creating a false narrative. It involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality and making them question their thoughts, feelings, and memories. This kind of emotional abuse can lead to self-hatred, anxiety, and doubts about one’s mental well-being.”
Unlike gaslighting, stonewalling is a maladaptive defense mechanism versus a form of emotional abuse. Stonewalling is characterized by one partner withdrawing from interaction, shutting off emotionally, and discontinuing communication. When someone engages in stonewalling behavior, they often appear indifferent and empty, making them seem cold, callous, and uncaring. It can be very distressing to see a lack of emotional response when confiding in your partner, especially when expressing vulnerability. This may lead to doubts about whether your partner truly listens, values, cares, and acknowledges your feelings and emotions. It often leads to relationship dissatisfaction, separation, and divorce.
Dealing with challenges and conflicts is a normal part of any relationship. But what do you do when those conflicts turn toxic? Let me tell you a real story…
In the quiet, sun-drenched streets of a suburban Mumbai neighborhood, a house existed where shadows danced beneath the facade of marital bliss. Urmila had once believed she was living the dream. She had married Jatin, a shy and successful man who swept her off her feet with promises of everlasting love and devotion. Everything seemed fine at first until they were blessed with two lovely children. However, as time unraveled the facade, she was trapped in a twisted web of manipulation and deceit.
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Fractured Reality: Family Ordeals of Gaslighting and Stonewalling
Jatin worked on projects outside Mumbai and sometimes had to travel outside India.
He created a false image among his friends and family by appearing to be the epitome of success—a charismatic consultant with ambitious dreams. He weaved a web of lies about being critical, in demand, and earning more than expected, and to keep up this facade, he lived a lavish lifestyle. His extravagance knew no bounds, from designer clothing to a luxury car, and he spared no expense in satisfying his flamboyant desires while putting the blame entirely on his wife for the mounting debts. He carefully monitored his costs when purchasing essentials for his children and wife. He continually hesitated to spend his hard-earned money on them, even for festivities.
Jatin found solace in his freedom away from home and family and created his little world of lies. Jatin enjoyed immersing himself in the fantasy world he had created for himself. Beneath his extravagant lifestyle, there was a deep-seated insecurity. He feared being forgotten and left alone in a world of fleeting fame, and fortunes could vanish instantly. Driven by an insatiable hunger for validation, he often went to extreme lengths, pushing the boundaries of social norms and etiquette onto his wife and children. When faced with reality, instead of learning from his mistakes, he shifted his suspicions onto his wife, Urmila, to divert attention from himself. He began to manipulate Urmila’s thoughts and emotions with mind games. He made her life miserable by constantly checking her phone to monitor her activities in his absence. He would taunt her with the phrase “an empty mind is a devil’s workshop” and even manipulated his parents to support his views. Jatin convinced his children and wife, Urmila, that the outside world was beautiful. He promised to take them on extravagant vacations and give them the best that life had to offer. His parents, too, forced them to move out with him, promising a better life.
As a result, Urmila was compelled to leave their home in Mumbai and accompany him and their children on his journey to the USA.
The kids enjoyed having friends and family around and loved attending school in Mumbai, where they could participate in extracurricular activities. However, once they stepped out of their comfort zone, the children had limited freedom and had to fend for themselves. Urmila had many friends and enjoyed life in Mumbai. However, after moving out, she too was forced to take on odd jobs, which caused her to live under tremendous stress. She feared nagging and false allegations every time she faced Jatin, which led to health issues. Jatin refused to care for her health and her needs. She had to cover her expenses and ended up living in debt. He never supported his wife because he didn’t believe in her capabilities and dreams.
Jatin’s relationships were like a house of cards, built on shaky ground. He manipulated and deceived those closest to him, carefully crafting a facade of perfection to hide the cracks beneath the surface. Despite the turmoil within her, Urmila struggled to break free from Jatin’s toxic grip. The kids also wanted her to stop playing the victim, break away from social norms, and leave this toxic relationship. Urmila confided in friends and family, only to be met with skepticism or dismissal. Jatin’s charm and charisma cast doubt on her accusations, painting her as unstable in their relationship. Gaslighting had eroded her sense of self, leaving her trapped in a cycle of denial and despair.
Urmila continues to live for the sake of her lovely kids. Everything she fought for was for their betterment. She often argues with Jatin to help buy essentials and pay their hostel rent, as her earnings are insufficient to care for their needs. She usually confronts Jatin about his indifference and uncaring attitude towards her and the children. His response is classic gaslighting: he accuses her of being paranoid, claiming she overreacts to his dedication to providing for their family. Urmila’s confidence erodes with each denial, leaving her feeling isolated and confused, and at times contemplates suicide. She is drawn away from her friends and family.
A big show-off, Jatin is a master of psychological warfare and a cunning manipulator. He utilizes gaslighting and stonewalling as his weapons of choice.
Gaslighting, the insidious art of distorting reality to make the victim doubt their perceptions, becomes a daily occurrence in their household. Whether it is trivial matters like misplacing keys or significant events like arguments, Jatin always manages to twist the truth to suit his agenda. No one can win against him. When he provides a version of something important, he changes it the very next minute to suit his convenience. This can be challenging for others as he flatly refuses to acknowledge having provided a different version earlier, leading to confusion.
Jatin has now smoothly transitioned to stonewalling to shut down communication and evade accountability while the gaslight flickered. He gradually made his plans and physically moved to another city to pursue his bigger dreams without letting his family know of his move until now. He accused Urmila of not supporting him in his endeavor for a better life. He has made everyone believe that Urmila, his wife, wants to live alone, which makes life difficult for him and their children. For her, it’s a situation of “having her feet in two boats” and yet being a “good-for-nothing person.” `Whenever Urmila presses for clarity or resolution, Jatin withdraws into icy silence, leaving her pleading for scraps of affection or acknowledgment. His indifference has become a weapon, leaving her emotionally battered and desperate for his validation.
Urmila didn’t fully understand her situation until she came across articles and literature about narcissistic abuse. This helped her trust her instincts; she is now struggling to regain control of her life. Despite confronting Jatin with newfound clarity, she ended up feeling more hurt. Now, she’s trying to move past the manipulation and focus on self-discovery and healing.
Gaslighting and stonewalling can both cause severe problems in a relationship. Understanding the differences between these two behaviors is essential so you can decide how to respond if they arise in your relationship. How should someone handle these behaviors in a relationship? If you feel your partner is consistently and intentionally trying to make you feel disconnected from reality, it’s essential to take a break and seek help. Emotional abuse should also be taken very seriously and requires immediate evaluation and intervention from a licensed professional.
In a relationship, one partner may want to keep talking while the other needs space. Continuing a conversation when one or both are upset can be emotionally risky. If the conversation persists, you may say or do things you’ll regret later. Taking a short break allows both of you to calm down, take care of yourselves, and resume the conversation when you both feel ready. For a time-out to work, you must agree to take a break and then return to the conversation. Once you get the hang of doing this in your relationship, you can avoid the unnecessary pain of continuing a conversation that’s not going anywhere.
Do you see a glimmer of hope—a chance for Urmila to rebuild her life on a foundation of honesty and authenticity, no matter how daunting the task?
